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Yesterday during my reflection time I wrote the date and thought of the day ahead - part of the day already gone and behind me - over, not to be "done" again.
On automatic my body had awakend, made the bed, plumped the pillows as though expecting a real estate agent was on the way, house slippers were already on my feet. Shuffled to the bathroom for bathroom stuff, then to the kitchen. Glass of water, decaf awaited the water's boil, 1/2 glass of orange juice went down nicely - sweet and tart at the same time - automatic, automatic. Coffee cup full I headed up the stairs, located pencil, pad, prayer book, Bible - in in their usual places - I lit the candle, I began to pray - AUTOMATIC came undone!
My mind began planning for the day - "NO, I'm praying - go away!" My mind drew back - read a prayer - concentrate, attempt to remember - these verses, inside - ponder, reflect, learn - forget the appointment later.....and so it goes. The prayer begs for the control of manual mode, the meditation cries out for quiet peaceful contemplation.
So much on auto-pilot, why did I find the focus of prayer and reflection not on automatic? Is it I wanted to flee, to wander? Is it too holy to encounter God in prayer? Is my faith watery, without glue, without foundation? Or is it my soul searching for its home, distracted by life, drawn back by faith. Is it hard to concentrate because I see no substantive goal? Do I find the manual control of these intentional moments in prayer that on which I intend my life and my soul to feed, to be nourished, to grow and perhaps even become more of an automatic yearning rather than one I switch on or off? I think so. I pray that is so because the peace of moments still and recognized by my Creator are moments of joy and refreshment. Moments of promised hope fulfilled.
How's your automatic button working these days? Does it get you up and going to the bathroom, to the kitchen, to prayer and reflection? If it doesn't, I'd love to know what feeds you more than time in true prayer? I know there are other ways to connect with God and here's your forum. Go for it!