Monday, June 28, 2010

Our public faces

As regular readers, or anyone within shouting distance, you will know that on last Saturday I entered my first ever 5K Run Event.  I won't bore you here again with the details but, as you might guess, thoughts of that day are still very fresh in my mind.

After the race, a short rest,  and a shower, my spouse and I headed off for our local farmer's market to shop and to visit.  One of the "visits" I most enjoyed was running into one of my favorite stability ball/strength training teachers, along with her children.  I, of course, immediately told her of my glorious and successful a.m. and after a great high five, I stooped down to visit with the children.  Rebecca's son, in a stroller, had a mouth covered in blue and yellow stains from the snow ice he was consuming and daughter, Tallulah, who I believe might be about 8 or 9, was also involved with a snow ice - albeit not as noticeably having smeared it all over her face as her brother had done.  After an intro and how are yous, Talullah turned her face up to me and said, "I really like your lipstick color:)"  I returned her compliment with a polite and enthusiastic thank you and then her mother went on to explain that she and Talullah were both into women of fashion and that my red lips had obviously piqued Talullah's appreciation:).............lest you think that I agree with the push on fashion being necessarily or not important to a young girl, I need to explain what thoughts crossed my mind at that moment.

Rebecca had introduced me to her children as a friend and "a physically strong, determined woman" who sometimes participated in her classes (she's a sub for my regular great teacher at the YMCA, Christy Druffel).  I, in turn, was praising the child's mother for her energy, strong body, bright mind and totally active and competent mothering skills.  I felt that in praising each other over one another's accomplishments of both physical and mental activities, there was a quick example there for her kiddos of how friends support each other in their various activities, of how praise can be given, shared, received.  Also, the example of a woman, obviously much older than her mother, (although I'm not quite sure if children lump ALL adults into the older category?)  who was in relationship with her and with her mother on levels of work, play, and fashion.  I believe that how we act and react with other people in public and in private is so important for the socialization of children and for their attitudes toward adults other than their parents.

A gifted theologian and scholar by the name of Ellen Charry once spoke to a church audience I was in (St. Paul's Riverside, CT) about the fact that church is possibly the only other place (aside from a school classroom) where children are, in effect, in relationship with adults other than their parents.  I think it's easy to overlook that kids know their parents along with possibly a small circle of their adult friends, and other than that, that children in general seldom inter-relate with adults.  I believe, along with Ms. Charry, that a child's mental capacity for love, for maturity, for exchange with others is influenced by the positive (and negative) experiences they encounter growing up - even small exchanges in our outdoor farmer's market.

So that's it, just an observation about what we, by example, teach our children and grandchildren through our own behavior with them and through our behavior with and about other adult friends and strangers.  Whether a parent or not, have you ever thought about how your personal behavior could possibly affect the life of a child that you know and love and even, perhaps, affect a child who may only observe you in a public place?  I think it's something to think about and consider whether you're a parent or not.

  
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14 comments:

  1. Bruno6:46 AM

    Well, back to the "it takes a village", and I do believe it is true. It is odd how we spend so much of our energy preparing for our future with work and saving etc, but very little energy on our REAL future, our children.

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  2. I LOVE this post! I'll be back to comment :). xoxoxo

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  3. Wonderful observations.

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  4. Bruno -
    It seems harder and harder w/two working parents or just one parent to find that important village to help us raise our "future." Many of the parents I meet nowadays are so protective or have instilled such fear in their children about "strangers" that it's tough to receive even a smile for a smile exchange with a child. Church still wd seem a place for children to connect properly with adults, but I wd be proven wrong in that assumption in light of the hideous scandal of pedophilia plaguing so many parish families. BUT, I still believe that on the whole, church is a village that can be trusted - maybe not as blindly as once we might have naively done, but where with adult interaction with parents involved, it's still a place for a child's trust to be built. I believe our behavioral examples in public places remain a link to the future of childrens' characters - would that we adults knew how to act in public!!! Tx as always for your comments.

    xo

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  5. Lucy - I can wait:))))

    Maureen - Thanks for your support!

    *note re Ellen Charry
    You might miss that I corrected Ms. Charry's credit to that of a theologian rather than a child psychologist....my Episcopal priest spouse reminded me of that detail about her. Theologian or psychologist, he and I have enjoyed her various articles in national publications over the years and are looking forward to reading her latest book.

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  6. Bruno1:51 PM

    SS. Yes indeed it is very difficult and as most things difficult we must try even harder. We have built a culture of distrust and it is as if it were a self perpetuating machine. On the issue of church, I do think it could be a wonderful place to allow communal connections between the generations however my experience is that we build it as a community of major segregation and minor interaction with our youth. While some (very few) denominations have built programs that intentionally create interaction or let me rephrase that to meaningful interaction between young and not so young, the vast majority create places of worship where the children are removed from the adults during worship and even more so at other events. I once attended a church where I did not know there were children because I never saw them, they were segregated from the adults so completely (I was also told that I was not eligible to teach sunday school because I am gay, another story).
    As adults we must always keep in mind that we are models, not just for our young but for the community as a whole. This may be the hardest part of being an adult, keeping in mind that we exist and are, for more than ourselves.

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  7. Bruno,
    YES! I have often suggested to my clergy colleagues that they should not be surprised when teens abandon the church. After all, what would you do if you had been banished to the basement for ten or fifteen years. As for the church that didn't want gays teaching Sunday School, What were they thinking?
    CP

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  8. Bruno and CP - with interest one might note, as well as remember, that our church children did begin to emerge from the darkest depths of the church for at least one half of the service with their parents, took part in the service as readers, acolytes, etc. and learned to use a microphone before an adult audience to give their various bday and celebratory personal announcements. I for one, with no small children in the congregation, have loved seeing this small children grow into young adult teens in high school now. I can hardly believe my eyes sometimes. It is truly robbing the children and the congregation - as I know you both agree, preaching to the choir, I am - of the gift of life by not including more intergenerational action. You two are wonderful to respond to this post - would that more men would step up and stand up for their moral and faith based beliefs. Thank you!

    xo

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  9. What strikes me is that Tallulah's comment was outside the frame you had placed for her: women meeting and supporting each other in their efforts, showing strong role models. But Tallulah focused on something completely different, something that obviously embarrassed her mother and surprised you.

    My younger grandson looked at me yesterday as we were taking him and his family to the airport. And he said, 'You have put lipstick'. Yes, I said, I wanted to look good for you. I think you look better without lipstick, he answered (he's going to be 7 in October).

    Is lipstick something that really belongs to the past, or to a past at least...

    What am I showing/teaching my grandchildren when I wear lipstick?

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  10. Yay! I don't mind hearing about such cool things more than once. It's a real achievement, in the best sort of way.

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  11. Hi Claire,

    I didn't think about Tallulah's comment as being out of place. I felt she was comfortable in suggesting to me that she was interested in my appearance and she found it pleasing.....her mom wasn't embarrassed as her mom is a totally adorable/with it young woman - her lipstick was pink:)....

    Two questions from you - I loved them. My coming from a 25 year career with the Estee Lauder Companies, your question about whether lipstick belongs to the past, or to a past - uh, well, wow, my answer is definitely NO - lipstick is not a thing of the past. Now, it may be a thing of your past as you may now feel more comfortable in not wearing lipstick. What the lipstick signals to me is and what I want to signal and to teach to little girl, Tallulah, is that she has a choice. She can decide if lipstick is for her or not for her. She can decide if she wants to wear the fashion of 4" high heels - which is very popular right now - or not. I've decided in my life that 4" heels are not for me now but I love to see them on other women - usually younger women. But there's the choice thing. I love the look of a beautifully clean face, good skin, good skin care results but a little bit of lip gloss, a touch of mascara might be just the tool to brighten one's looks and one's day.....so, for me I want Tallulah to see choice and her own power to make decisions one way or another.

    Thank you so much for the questions - I always love for readers to give feedback about what they see and what they read. Otherwise, I guess we never know how someone interprets our remarks:)))

    xo

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  12. L.L. - thank you, thank you!:)

    xo

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  13. I loved your red lipstick. I think you look stunning in it. And you wear it, it doesn't wear you. I have the feeling the desire to decorate oneself is pretty ingrained in the human mind. When I taught preschool both the boys and the girls took delight in "tatooing"themselves with magic markers (washable, thank heaven) whenever the markers were part of a project.

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  14. Interesting answer, SS. Thank you. Nice also to discover a bit more about you. Quite a career! Bravo!

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