Sunday, September 07, 2008

On my mind - some more.....

This is Sunday evening, 9/7, and I've just returned home to find that I didn't quite program my posts to depart my computer as I suspected during my absence. This message was supposed to me read by my beloved spouse - words I thought maybe he could savor while I was gone for a couple of evenings attending a "women's weekend"..... what does a spouse think, hope, pray, project, fear, analyze, pray some more, as they sit beside their loved one's hospital bedside before, during, and after the treatment, procedure and diagnosis?

How much I love this man
How small and helpless he appears in the bed
How cruel it would be to lose him
Please God don't let it happen
What if it does happen
What if we've chosen the wrong doctor
What if the doctor has made an incorrect diagnosis
What if the doctor's mind is somewhere else as his hands project lines into the heart
What if he dies
Who do I call first
How do I tell the children
What kind of funeral would he want
How will I live without him
Where will I live
Will the children insist I live another place
Will I ignore or heed the childrens' advice
I have no friends
I have many friends
Please God don't let it happen
What if I don't ask the right questions
Why didn't I recognize his symptoms sooner
What if he dies in the ambulance
What if he dies in the night
Who will care for me in my old age
We are supposed to do that old age thing together
Please God don't let it happen.....
Please, empower the doctors and nurses to be at their best this day
Thank you for this day
Thank you for hearing my prayers
Thank you for this man that I love so much


  1. Thanks for sharing with us what is so sacred, so special, so private between you and him.


  2. I came to your blog by accident. I was searching for your post "No friends - many friends??

    Unfortunately, this has not been posted in your blog, but I found the other blogs.

    I am 65, male and my spouse has been semi invalid the past eight years, following multiple cardiac and cerebral infarcts.

    I can relate to what you feel. All that I can say is, this too will pass.

    Your spouse will get back on his feet soon enough and give you as much joy as mine does even today.

    My best wishes for both your well being.

  3. Geezer and Rummuser - the fears that we face seem selfish in the light of reality as the spouse suffering these ills must be intensely frightened, alone though always attended, filled with unavoidable anxiety. My spouse is doing very well and he dodged a serious repercussion. I am grateful for his healing and his being - his being such an integral part of myself, a part that when one is truly happy with a spouse - an unimaginable nightmare to contemplate living without them!
    Thank you for your comments.